CHAMPAIN JAMMM---Captain: Pam

Yes, that is the spelling they gave me. Pink, glitter, metallics, and lots of gold. I imagine they will look like She-Ra, my favorite superhero from childhood. Pam, the captain, is a master crafter who will make her team have pretty uniforms that will embarrass them. They are a happy flighty bunch. Snooze? Playing a fun happy team can make another team more curmudgeonly. Or if you're the Love, it might make you lov-ier. What will happen when the Love and CJ hug before games? Will we ever get to a game, or just safe, nice, affection. Hopefully Pam makes her roller rink slut balls carry blades underneath their sparkly leotards or gold belts. And hopefully The Love don't want nice competition.

THE DARKSIDE---Captains: Amy and Heidi

Like I said before, Darth Vader themed team, some will love, some will want to kill. Can't wait to see this shit go down. They better back their spooky shit up because people are GONNA LOVE TO BEAT THIS TEAM! Until they find out that the 2 sisters bake and bring treats to the games.

HELL TOUPEE---Captain: Andy

OH MY GAWD! This is the team captained by a dissenter from the DM. Dissenting from the top is soooo much sexier than dissenting from the bottom. Complete with a mocking humor, this team has the same noun+noun=phrase format, and a sinister word paired with something about hair. The captain of this team, Andy, proudly calls this team the rival of the DM. But can this team back up those words against the 2 time winning champs? And I think there are a lot of couples on this team. Kickballers--this is your chance to break up some happy unions. We'll see if the stress of the season gets to the lovely pairs and turns them to bloody bar fighting ma and pa psychos. Your commish is on this team too, and I carry a razor blade under my tongue to cut y'all with!!

KUNG FU STREET HUSTLERS---Captain: Jeff

As previously stated, orientalism, yatta yatta, young guys and love of martial arts yatta yatta. See Edward Said's Orientalism and Chan's films. I hope they're preserving their chi for the field.

PRIVATE SCHOOL PUNKS---Captain: Bud
(formerly known as Funny Feet KBC)

Okay, so I'm gonna be honest and say I don't know what the hell this team is about. What is that name? I'm picturing Bobby Farin and also I can't help but see KBC. Weird combo. The captain, Bud, is a serious player so this team better get their asses in gear because Bud will have them doing dungeon push ups and catching balls thrown right for their noses. Are they going to wear Hobbit feet for a uniform or something? Okay kickballers, are you laughing at your Commish? Is "Funny Feet KBC" just a new name for heroin and I don't know it because I'm an old school marm? Are they on the needle?

DEAD YUPPIES---Captains: JT and Katy

Alright, so this team seems like a typical good team to play, and you can tell by the less imaginative name that all the energy is on the field, not in the prep. But, c'mon...who doesn't love to hate a yuppie? Is that term even still relevant after the 80's? Isn't the term more multitasking metrosexual yatta yatta? I'm sure their uniform will be like a tie with fake blood. Am I right? Yes. They have people on the team from the beginning and new faces, aka fresh dating meat. Can't wait to play them and MAKE THEM DIE LIKE THE ZOMBIE YUPPIES THAT THEY ARE!

THE LOVE---Captain: Laurie

Jesus Christ. What do you get when you combine bike messengers, funky body odor, a shit load of smiles, red t-shirts, and vegan (Vagan, as my grandma says) munchies? The Love. But here's the thing...they are filled with fucking anger. Go to a bar with them after a game. Sure, it's all hugs and loving during the game. But I've seen the red in their eyes. Wait...maybe it's because I'm so drunk by that point that I try to get "love" Assignment to the Love: you all need to drink more beer this season. What do we think of them with their love? I say we hug back a little harder this time. They are a great team and could take it all. Watching them try to hug the DM is priceless. Remember buttcrack love?

THE PIRATES---Captain: Danielle

Oh, the Pirates! The sweet, sweet Pirates! The team that will always be balanced, ethical, have giant men to kick balls far, and a cute cute blond, Nikki, bossing them around. How they haven't changed a bit--still with their sea costumes and renaissance fair auras, but shit--they have fucking changed. Last season they were about 80% better than the first season. So this season, I expect even more goodness. Remember the championship game last year with their marching fire ship? WOW. Being wasted and watching the Pirates is great--they won't make a "bad trip" they have fun uniforms and they don't freak out. And the trails I was seeing with that human-ship. Whoa.

EL CAMINO---Captain: Dani

(formerly known as CUCHILLOS CALIENTES)

A blinding cliché is appropriate when describing this team: soooo close, yet so far. Tense during play, serious, almost took it all last year. Will they this year? Have Dani's dreams of losing stopped destroying her ability to look at her 5 children in their faces? YES. And the dreams won't stop. We must win, they are thinking, we must win. Emotion, good looks, and filled with need. Perfect for predators...but do they carry their own weapons? HOT KNIVES PERHAPS?!?

DANGER MOUSTACHE---Captain: Floyd

Noun+noun=phrase? This is the team that wins, angrily. Jocks. Beer. Sluts. Focus on few things in life, no laughing during a game, the constant threat of Floyd's suicide. Whatever. I remember when the captain and I ran through fields of sage in Estonia, listening to Joni Mitchell and hacky sackin'. He has changed. And now I must.